Southern BookClub's Guide to Slaying Vampires: A Book Review

At the beginning of March I finally finished Grady Hendrix's, The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires and I've been in a reading slump ever since. Yes, I'm still listening to The Toll by Neil Shustermann, with my son and I'm also reading a page or two of other books that are related to research or things I had on the hook before finishing SBCGSV. I can't seem to shake this book. I think it's a matter of coming here and exorcising the intrusive thoughts from my mind. Hang onto your hats, I'm going to be all over the place with this review. 

Originally I rated this book a 3.75 out of 5 stars. You have to understand that for me, a 3.5 rating is trending upward. It's in "I really liked this" or it was above "good" territory. Yet in the week or so following I found myself referring to the book in conversation and also writing about it several times in my journal entries. At this point I've recorded a very disjointed unhinged book review that I may or may not put up on YouTube via my old knitting channel. In the end I've bumped it all the way up to a 4.25. 

Walk with me. This book had layers so let's start from the top. First of all let's talk about how The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires, as a title gives a vibe that the book absolutely does not live up to. This title has an ironic lightness or cheekiness to it that is absolutely nowhere present in the book. As a reader I was waiting for any of those few themes to reveal themselves as I went along and it never happened! I even went back and read several of the featured taglines reviewers advertised on the book to see if I was trippin'. The majority of the reviewer taglines really do come across as somewhat "light". Did I read a different book? Have times changed so drastically in five years? One critic literally called the book funny. That description just leaves me flabbergasted. 

Hendrix does an amazing job of depicting suburban life within an old fashioned southern neighborhood. In fact, I could distinctly place either one of my husband's grandmothers- albeit younger versions of themselves, tucked away on their familiar streets in Macon, Georgia with pristine clarity. The lifestyle there, in the South, a lifestyle heavily beholden to decorum and the proper ways to do things are clear conversations and behaviours I've personally witnessed and have had amongst my own family and friends. The author also accurately captured the feeling of social standards of the time (90's) and the place (middle class South). For example, I was completely gagged in the beginning when Patricia, the main character, was initially being attacked. She actually hesitates to scream. I mean her mind literally processes all the out of place data happening during the attack and she still gives a second thought  of worry to causing an unnecessary attention grabbing disturbance in the middle of the night. While. She's. Being. Attacked. He really clocked it with that because Like, girl, what? 

And maybe that's the type of "funny" the one reviewer was getting at. It was in fact, horrifically funny in the sense of outlining the very real and palpable absurdity that makes folks even worse victims than they have to be. The author nails the pressure of societal norms as a life stealing theme throughout the book. His flawless depiction of niceties and nastiness, how he reveals the initially silent implications of staying in your place as a wife, as a mother, as a white, a black, a poor. He perfectly displays the habit of not saying the bad part out loud until the gloves absolutely have to come off. It all had me in a chokehold. 

Grady's skill at gross horror description/depiction is oh so very strong and should not be underrated. He had me cringing and doing lamaze through some of the most unusual places in the book. I think the gross way he describes things at times of low tension keeps the macabre tone and goth of the book. 

Speaking of gothic, as I've been studying Faulkner, I've been diving a little deeper into what that even means modern day. Gothic in terms of literature has evolved immensely since the Mary Shelly and Dracula days of book publishing. This story absolutely qualifies for modern southern gothic. With its showcase in the literal and figurative societal decay of the community, secrets of a violent inescapable past that's all in the placed in the sticky hot setting of the South. 

What's a mystery to me is how clear it is that the author did extensive vampire research for the book but how very little of that lore or even explanation of the lore shows up in the actual work. As a matter of fact, as I was crashing out looking for more information in the days after reading the book I came upon a podcast series the Grady Hendrix produced that's all about vampires. (There's twelve episodes that span across the "vampisphere". Check out Super Scary Haunted Homeschool. I found it intriguing). But for all that work, where did it get us? There are moments in the book that could have done with a smidge more explanation. When Patricia is in the attic and the vampire is speaking to her, how did she live through that? I suspect that maybe he was trying to compel her but I don't know that and it totally took me out of the story trying to figure out WTF. Another example would be how throughout the book the author makes it a point to highlight the invitations that Vampire James receives into the homes of various families in the community. In the final chapters of the book James does elude to them all having invited him in freely but there's no distinct, "Ya'll could have rescinded my invitation," moment; it's all up for puzzle piecing together on your own. 

I'm conflicted over this strategy. The compulsion to trust readers to be smart is understandable but I think just a few clarifying/distinct explanations would have made things less grey and kept me glued to the story. The agreeable side of my thoughts feel that clarifying would make the book more commercial or formulaic in its delivery. When I visualise inserting one of those anecdotes- "how to slay a vampire",  I'm not sure how it doesn't go into being kitcsh. This book totally came across as a realistic vampire novel. Even when the main character's mother in law appears in an apparition, reality was not a bridge too far- my belief was co-signed and suspended. So logically, the author's choice makes sense if he wasn't wanting to write kitcshy "guide" or bring that type of Buffy irony starkly into the story but my brain certainly rebelled against this form of storytelling. 

Even now, I still can't believe I scored the book so highly while not finding a single character within it's pages likeable. I'd say the closest character would be Ms. Greene. It's a testament to the storytelling. Every. single. character. was annoying and flawed. Let me tell you, the family dynamic between Patricia and her husband and kids was absolute trash, chile. There was zero depth there. Whenever Patricia needed them to come through for her on any level whatsoever they all fail both spectacularly and consistently. It's lowkey warranted though when you peer a little closer. Pat's a stay at home mom and she is 100% checked out from her kids and who they are as teens now. I think she's still stuck in the sweet nostalgia of them being small and having those early elementary relationships. Pat's son is legit a neo-nazi in the making and they're all so super casual about his indoctrination. I guess there goes some of that "funny" again, right? And the slow way Hendrix reveals her husband in the beginning as just being aloof to then he progress seamlessly to what he always was! He's an active, bonafide misogynist. More funny. Patty's desperation and loneliness within the relationship is at first palpable and then after the first half the book is simply invisible. 

Mr. Hendrix- Grady, gonna call him Grady at this point, really just hits it all; racism, domestic violence, sexual abuse, rape, ageism, sexism. He taps the surface of so many hard topics in a way that requires the reader to dig deeper into themselves and reflect...hopefully. Yet the actual exploration or expansion into the topics is never fully actualised. They are mentions and plot points and I can't decide if that's frustrating or genius. 

Finally when we get down to business-to the epic showdown, our main character comes up with the plan. The plan isn't ever revealed until game time, which I liked. However, it's everyone else that executes it! I disliked that. I wanted more from the main character after having witnessed her be so apathetic the spanse of the book. I'm talking, Pat literally wakes up and it's all done and it's largely done by the marginalised black housecleaner the bookclub bailed on in the beginning of the story no less!There are thoughts and themes here but I'll just leave it at Mrs. Green, the housekeeper/caretaker, was about that life! 

Afterwards the final resolution feels a lot like Patricia is mourning... the vampire! It struck me in the end how the vampire is finally destroyed but so is all of their lives- conceptually. In order to destroy this very bad thing that was quite literally a blood sucking cancer, they all had to lose the comfortable parts of their lives. It took the whole book for them to even make the acknowledgment that things were dire, things were dangerous. Its resounding that the resolution is literally them living with the consequences of cutting out the very thing that propped them up within society because their values were toxic all along. Very interesting. 

I enjoyed the book though clearly I'm ranting. As a person pursuing writing I walked away wondering if I could ever do this with my own work. This work evoked so much within me while I read and long after I finished. Half the time when I write I'm not sure if I'm connecting any dots or if it's all just a giant massed ball of chaosed thought.  

Have any of ya'll read this book? What did you think of it? Have I taken it all too serious? Over the course of several years I had so many false starts with this one. I'm so glad I finally got to it. High marks for making me think Grady. 

Writer's Are Wild: William Faulkner, Pt.1

Surely, you've surmised that I am a person who likes to learn by now. Curiosity is both my superpower and my nemesis. In addition to trying to cultivate and curate my personal skill as a writer, a goal of mine has been to study writers of all kinds. I want to discover and study a diverse range of writers past and present solely for the previously purported purposes. And I love a deep dive!

Recently, I've developed a system for studying writers of interest more efficiently by utilising ChatGPT. Here are the questions I typically start with when putting together a little rabbit hole to hop down to explore the life and ideas of a literary figure: 

1. Chat, can you give me some basic biographical information about...?

2. Was/Is this author considered problematic?

3. What are some good works to read by this figure tailored for a beginner?

4. Can you provide any good articles featuring or about (the figure)?

5. How is (this figure's) style defined and how can I incorporate it into my own writing exploration?

6. Can you provide writing prompts inspired by this author's style/genre?

7. Who are some diverse and modern day figures/writers who were influenced or comparitive in style?

8. Can you tell me (figure's) writing routine? 

Of course my questions and process will become more refined in the future the more I do this but for now it quickly produces such a rich document of research that offers a point of entry into my subject. This is only my 2nd I've done it for writers specifically and each time I've been busy for WEEKS exploring. 

More often than not, when I've done research on literary figures in the past I've discovered their lives have been quite astounding. This is the antithesis of the reclusive writer or boring librarian trope. Things were happening all around and many were sure to place themselves front and center to take notes and contribute commentary or a perspective of thought. I'm often delighted with little jewels of stories, gossip, and anecdotes involving these figures. So many of writers were quite the characters in the crazy story of their own lives. Many times, upon first glance the initial information may not read off the page as being that dramatic until you put them in the context of their time period and societal norms. Sometimes it's just imagining the literal reality and placing it factural life. Writer's are wild AF!

One of the first interesting things that pricked my mind about William Faulkner was that he exaggerated his military service. An odd place to start I know but he never served in a war, yet mimicked walking with a limp due to war injuries. In fact during World War I he was rejected by the US Army due to his height/small weight (allegedly 5'5) so he only ever served in the British Royal Air Force in Canada. The reality of this multiple Nobel/Pulitzer Prize winner limping around playing a wounded war veteran provoked all kinds of questions within me about what kind of person does that and what the motivations behind the pretence would be. Maybe daddy/granddaddy issues? 

Real talk, I feel like this was a pretty commonplace practice back in the day due to societal and social pressures on men/white men. I don't know how many men are lying about their military service anymore (though being a milspouse, I've witnessed it) but really I'm speaking more to the idea of men creating clout to fulfil perceptions of masculinity or valor/honor. Men, you are enough. None of this deterred me from my mental musings casting Falkner (later changed to Faulkner) as the southern gothic Verbal Kint from the Usual Suspects, traversing plantation roads and southern lanes gradually straightening up his gait the closer he comes to his writing room.  Nor from imagining, the far more exaggerated and hilarious Cherry Surprise from I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. " Don't make me come hopping after you." 

What's more is you can see how the experiences in Will's life; whether it be his service, the railroad, his hometown later went on to shape aspects and concepts in his writing works. Discoveries like these are alway encouragement to me because I've had a lot of life experiences and tries at things in life. I know a little about a whole lot of things. It's comforting to know that the greats were actually consistently pulling from the same small personal sums of their lives to create magic. 

Other intrusive thoughts while submerging myself in the basics of Faulkner include: 

-Is this where we get the term 'little Willy from or is it truly just a vulgar phrase?  How tall is Kevin Hart? 

-What qualified as romance prior to the 1900's? Willy's great grandfather wrote, The White Rose of Memphis, in 1881. It sounds like a racists or patriarchal purity based fever dream. I read some reviews and a couple of synopsis- it is not. 

-Bet he had a learning disability and didn't even know it - he quit high school after repeating eleventh and twelfth grade twice yet went on to be a bookkeeper, railroad owner, and THE prolific/profound Faulkner. 

-Where can I get a Phil Stone? 

-Octosyllabic couplets? Is that eight syllables per pair of lines? 

-What is post Joycean experimentalism and was there enough of it to be a named era? They just be naming everything. 

-Mosquitos: A rap battle mix tape. 

-IsYoknapatawpha Faulkner's Bon Temps? When I create my own BonTemps I'm going hard. 

-Bruh. Why did Britannica do him that way,

 "...his health undermined by his drinking and by too many falls from horses too big for him." 

The mind is relentless, chile. Can you gather why it takes me forever to study anything? This is why my remedy has to be to just start things. Don't think too much or you'll never stop ...or start for that matter.

In other news, Faulkner dropped out of college after only a single year ya'll. I wonder if there was a bunch of tense bullshit back and forth with his parents or if he just chucked the deuces in peace. The parent child dynamics of the past always intrigue me when I read about them. I can't imagine half the stuff depicted in novels and articles as the norm. Nevertheless, it plays out that his family and family relationships kept him moving and shaking through a myriad of jobs into what we would consider current day adulthood while he made small steps toward his writing destiny. 

What literary figures would you create your own AI study guide about? What questions would you ask?

A theme for February

We've talked about how I love a theme. In February I always hit health hard with my kids. I tend to interpret Valentine's Day as a time to cover self love; which has resulted in unit studies and joint reads that cover self esteem, anger management, personal health and hygiene, self regulation, growth mindset etc. Under the theme of passion in February I always cover sex education with my kids too.

In the past we've read, studied, chatted, and researched using a plethora of books over the years specifically in February such as; Usborne's What's Happening to Me? Guy Stuff: the Body Book for Boys, American Girls The Care and Keeping of You Vol. 1 & 2, Celebrate Your Body (and it's changes too), 30 Days of Sex talks for three different age categories, Good Picture, Bad Picture for two different age groups, Own Your Period-A Fact-filled Guide to Period Positivity. Now obviously, I don't limit the conversations to a single time of year but February definitely acts as a heavier catalyst for these conversations. 

[On a side note reader BEWARE, if I figure out how to do affiliate links on books I talk about I will. At the very least you'll be able to see which books I'm talking about in particular by clicking the links. Back in the day I would have taken great pleasure in simply providing a thumbnail type picture that may have or may have not included a link!]

So. 

February. 

It's historically the time the I can come into a set mindset of loving myself more as well. I don't know if I intentionally can't get myself to fall in line health and personal fitness wise during January on principle or if some other hidden psychology is involved. I surely never truly get my act together until February. This year I've got a little ongoing social date with a girlfriend to walk outside two days a week. I'm working on hopping on my Peloton consistently every week too. 

I've been cleaning up my diet and drinking my greens. I can say that since last year I'm down 15 pounds and I'm proud of that. I can admit that I was not putting in the effort and my lifestyle willed it. That has NEVER happened! Since last year around this time we moved to Washington state and we did a full 'do it yourself' move and drove across country with our two vehicles, three kids, and big ass dog. When we got to Washington my husband's job had us both hitting the ground running. When I tell you this was the fastest I've ever gotten our house up and functioning AND involved in our surrounding community, I mean it! It was a whirlwind but we are quite settling into life in the PNW. 

Additionally, being a black woman, my kids being bi-racial, and also homeschoolers we study black history and figures all year long. In February I kick it up a notch; I guess what this really means is consistency. This year we're focused on the Harlem Renaissance. Crash Course on YouTube has some excellent animated videos to kick off the study and from there we delve into the Great Migration, art, music, authors, poets, fashion, figures. It's truly excellent and exciting and unbelievable to learn about this period of time. The 1918's to the 1920's and 1930's; it was the best of times and it was the worst of times- truly!

What are February's like for you and/or your family? Are you more of a January life stacker? Are there traditions or cyclic habits that you didn't even realise you adopted? How are your healthier lifestyle goals coming? 

The Great Courses

I'm wearing out these Great Courses! I've recently wrapped up "Wolves and Werewolves in History and Popular Culture." 

I learned so many things about wolf/werewolf legend and lore that I never knew and sometimes was appalled to find out. I also loved all the many references sited throughout the class. It was an excellent starting place for my shifter research to begin and now I have so many references for more resources! When I was a kid I remember that feeling of finishing a book I loved and seeing all the references for other books by that author at the end. When I became a teen sometimes the publisher would include an excerpt from the author or from like authors in the same publishing house. Listening to the course and taking notes on the new references gave those nostalgic vibes. 

Next I happened upon The Great Courses's, "The Real History of Dracula." While I still haven't finished the course it's a great accompaniment to reading Bram Stoker's Dracula with my kids in our little Homeschool Horror Creative Writing Unit Study. The course has been giving me all kinds of little insights to add to our discussions and really has me feeling boss level intelligent while educating my kiddos! 

Honestly, Dracula, can be a tricky read with schoolbag kids due to some of the adult themes going down but I've discovered I much prefer to face challenging topics head on as my kids mature. Literature is a fantastic catalyst for nuanced conversations that might not otherwise happen. It's easy to discuss potentially uncomfortable topics in a way that feels safe and unpressurised. It was doubly charming to hear the creators of the Werewolf course, Sara Cleto and Brittany Warman, echo this same sentiment within what I would call their thesis statement on the purpose and importance of the work in the class introduction. It was totally validating to hear!

The last Great Courses that I have in the works, likely to be worked at a snails pace for the foreseeable future is The Great Courses, Writing Great Fiction: Storytelling Tips and Techniques, taught by James Hynes.  Where the two former classes have a run time of about four and a half hours and the most interactive thing you have to do is listen- maybe jot some notes; this course runs over twelve hours and is stuffed full of concepts a novice pursuing writing can benefit from. 

It's actually a curriculum. A curriculum that you can borrow from some libraries for free, purchase from Amazon or Audible platforms, or even straight from the Great Courses website. Even if you pay out of pocket, it is a highly efficient and cost effective way to gain knowledge into the craft of writing. I decided to work through the material just as if I was taking a class- old school, but at home. The course is split into lessons with exercises, resources, and objectives to complete.

I printed the course materials out (it's almost 200 pages) from the Audible file and put it into a binder (also old school). Next I made myself a little schedule.  The schedule is mine so just like I love to do in my homeschool with the kids, if I want to go down a rabbit trail of learning I can do that. I promised myself I would read any and all resources of interest within the course and truly work on just enjoy the process. Enjoying the process is something I have a hard time doing sometimes. I tend to make my goal about finishing which sometimes can steal the joy from the journey. 

A negative point, thus far, is that a lot of the suggested reading neatly listed at the end of each lecture are works that are out of print, hard to find, or unappealing (mainly due to them being dated). Overall it's only a minor set back being that there are plenty of modern day craft books that I have my eye on or that I even already own and have not read through. I'm sure will suffice as supplements. 

After Lecture 2 one of the books on the suggested reading list was Stephen King's, Salem's Lot. It's a rabbit hole I chose to hop right on down. This book has been on my TBR list for years. So many craft books and classes site King's book in examples or as influence. Aside from his, On Writing, book I have not read a Stephen King novel since I was a teenager. It's been a neat and sobering experience to read his work as an adult. I'm about a quarter of the way through  and getting a bit antsy for things to come together. I feel like I've met every. single. person. in that measly town!

Anyway, as expected the course starts with beginner concepts and then progresses. Right now I'm at the point where we discuss getting into the writer mindset and the lesson also outlines bare bottom objectives like where to start when you actually do start to write and also how to start. Hynes starts out with the stereotypical adages of evocation and Show, Don't Tell. They are concepts that are completely overdone but entirely critical. I expect any standard class offering a comprehensive education in how to write will eventually include them. Hynes provides excellent examples and commentary so I'm not mad about it. 

The beginning lessons were quite exciting to me because I taught similar concepts in my teen co-op class this past November. We had the opportunity to participate in National Novel Writing Month as a class. It was such a fun and enriching experience that every single one of my students utilised and was excited about. I had fun giving the kids writing sprints, teaching them how to specifically start, and rooting out how and when "to show." It was cool to see I was on the right track with my course materials and layout from someone I feel is validated to teach through their credentials and accolades. Me personally, I'm just winging it- figuring things out with no official training!

With The Great Courses there is such a vast variety of subjects to explore. I also have James Scott Bell's course, How to Write Best-Selling Fiction. If I'm not burnt out, I plan to deploy that course next straightaway.  I whole heartedly stand behind the notion that these courses abound in laying the groundwork of research and development within any given subject. I would encourage everyone to use them as a starting source to build upon and give you structure when exploring a topic of interest. I look forward in sharing what I've scratched up through these courses on the blog. 

January good.

I like the general theme of new beginnings that threads through the month of January. So many people balk at a New Year resolution but I tend not to be so sour about folks making changes this month. It makes sense to me. I think it's important to personally evaluate/assess/re-assess. Shouldn't we all eye ourselves with a bare lens of honesty and ask 'what can I do different?' or, 'how can I improve?' January should bring up questions such as, 'What in my life is not quite serving me any longer?' 'What can I do about that?'  I like that at the very least once a year, collectively, folks mindfully and wilfully touch that stone. Even if only for a brief month's time. 

One of the many positive things about being a military family is that it's packed with tangible milestones and the chance to start something new again and again with each job or duty station. As a family, we move every 2-3 years being a part of the military. We've done this for about twenty years now. While we've struggled through some moves and beasted others, overall I still get excited each time we relocate. It's a chance to refine things and try something different on a large scale. It can be revitalising. 

So. 

January. 

It's a great time to reflect and try something new. 

We are doing several something news in the month of January in our household. This new year is an entire season of change and fine tuned recommitment to various things. I've personally re-committed to my writing. I'm back onto studying craft.  I'm locked in with a focus on writing with my students at co-op and even with my children in our homeschool. I have some specific goals; one of which is to focus on completing at least one of my novels this year. 

I enrolled in a paranormal romance writing workshop through AutoCrit that really has me excited and motivated. As a supplement to the workshop, my library lets me have access to the Great Courses for free, so I've been listening to The Real History of Dracula and taking notes. One of the stories I have sitting is actually a shifter based paranormal romance but maybe my writing future holds vampires as well!  If you are an Audible member you have access to The Great Courses, Wolves and Werewolves in History and Popular Culture if you're into that kind of thing. It's next on my list.

It's been fulfilling to make writing fun again through this blog and even with what I'm teaching my children. My eleven year old asked about doing a horror writing course, so I've been creating one for her and my son. I'm utilising RL Stine's Masterclass as a main resource/ spine of the curriculum but we're studying key figures and elements within the genre as well. We've done author profiles, writing sprints, copy work, curated genre research lists, watched videos, read articles, and have been listening to Dracula on Audible together. We are ripping apart and combing through that poor book and it's all been a blast. Secretly, I have to admit, I've been pumped when my kids have started recognising horror devices being employed in a show or spooky scene we're watching on television.

With the way my mind is set up I am always resolving to do something or other and I tend to not be able to let the thoughts go until I jump in and start. Most of the time the obsessions don't singularly hit in January so I start when the spirit moves me. Still this January I finally starting making that homemade pasta I've been thinking about. So far we've had fettuccine, spaghetti and homemade lasagne pasta sheets. My closets have embarked on an editing journey, and I decided to lose thirty pounds for good- though I haven't put a plan in motion on that yet. We'll have to see how many of the new try's become a way of life in our house. I love the different influences we've picked up over the years even though sometimes I do overwhelm myself with all the trying. Still, when the curtain finally closes on my life I will have done it all due to this somewhat annoying trait of mine! I know I'm a Jack of all trades and a master of not a single one- it's a satisfying life trying all the things. 

What type of things have you and your family resolved to do in this new month, new season, and new year?

(Vie-oh-lah) A Book Review

My grandmother was always an excellent cook. On one particular day she was making a new dish she felt especially proud of pulling off. I can't recall what the dish was now but I always tell the story with a heavy emphasis on the punchline. 

My grandmother reaches to lift the lid off the pot on top of the stove with grand flourish. She had the elaborate hand gestures going and all. Me and my sister were wrapt with anticipation to see what was inside. 

She hefts the lid like a grand cymbal and confidently exclaims, "Vie-oh-lah!" 

It's like a needle scratched off the proverbial record. Me and sis are clearly perplexed-it's etched plainly on our faces for a beat until my Auntie hollers from the dining room, "Do you mean, 'voila?!" 

The four of us fall into a ruckus of laughter until we cried. It's one of those memories that I can still see and hear so clearly even a smooth thirty years later. 

It's a story that came back to me while listening to, Finding Me, by Viola Davis. A story that has absolutely nothing to do with the book aside from the parallel of how Viola's family says her name in the book. Yet maybe I'm a little mistaken. There is so much in the book that calls to and runs parallel with my own story and my own rocky family ties that kept bringing me back to my own tales of old. Many of which I've been eager to leave buried in the dust of the past. 

I suspect Viola's story triggered, in the full sense of the word, my memories because there is much about the relationships and circumstances she had growing up in poverty that mirror my own. It was triggering in a reflective way and I found her voice gave insight/perspective into my own history and experiences that I had not considered. There were strong colorised themes that had me thinking more deeply as well. 

Riffing off the idea of Viola's writing voice, what an excellent narrator to her own story she truly was. Her literal voice has a rich fullness that had me conducting a quick search to see if there was anything else out in these streets narrated by her for me to listen to.  I highly recommend the audio version which is what I listened to. 

Finding Me is a book that has been on my TBR list for a long time and I kicked off my New Year listening to it while waiting for my son at swim practices. The book is raw and beautiful and poignant. She blasts off with a profane hook for the reader. (Peep my writer's jargon! lol)

I was gagged that she was out here cursing freely and frequently- I hadn't expected that. I had an image of who I thought she was. It was an image I had neatly generated over time after multiplying her public persona by the image of who I guessed she was in her acting projects divided by my own respectability. I was way off and I'm glad. So yeah, she curses- and it ADDS to her writing voice. It added to really understanding who she is and where she came from.

Aside from the excellently profane hook, within the first chapter she was, as the kids say, "spittin'". Just so much poignant truth. She has a beautiful way of telling her stories of the past while being anchored in the wisdom of her present. It's so well done. 

She speaks candidly about the entertainment industry and the evolution of her experiences within it. When she talks about the perception of "classics" and being classically trained at Julliard where any perspective  outside that scope was sub par, I felt that. It made me think more deeply about the history of code switching and instances where I've felt compelled to do so. 

I loved how she spoke of her experiences in Africa and how essentially it was a catalyst for her owning her own choices. She decided how she wanted to move and show up in the industry early on. The book has many significant moments that call the reader to think differently. To reflect deeply. While the book spoke deeply to my experience as a black woman, the book is for everyone. 

I actually am a writer.

At a certain age, I developed the belief that being a writer was kin to being clever. I likened it to being as powerful as God; with the creating worlds with words and all. At an even earlier age I learned that a person can evoke with words in negative ways just as easily as they can with sugary flowery concoctions of verbiage or the poignantly beautiful stuff. 

An obvious concept: It all has impact so be careful with your words.

When I discovered writing/journaling/reading, it was absolutely an outlet for me as a young girl. It was the best outlet I could have ever had. I can certainly say I was holding a lot within. I'd had a lot of experiences that I didn't know what to do with. I hadn't learned or understood how to identify my own feelings. When I learned to write writing was my chance to dissect all the...things. Writing allowed me to write and scream, and cry, and mourn everything I would never say or even mildly articulate to anyone aloud. I could simultaneously explore all my avenues of thought that felt so stifled or shuttered. Writing in my youth was the foundation for me having a voice in my adulthood. 

In many instances I was coming of age in a familial culture where children were seen and not heard. As an adult with perspective, I would actually say children, in general, were an afterthought in the wreckage of "adult" business and choices when it came to most of the households I lived in. In the end I wrote some very raw and troubled emotional tirades on paper as I came of age and it permanently changed some of my relationships. It was the catalyst for me having to learn some hard but necessary lessons. When it comes to my writing origin story I can most widely say, that at the time, the lessons I learned changed my personal perspective and the freedom with which I wrote- drastically. 

I always wanted it back though- the freedom. I don't know what that says about me deep down but I still wanted to be one of the ones gifted with the natural talent to use words and be brave enough to use them with a bold free hand even when I consciously shunned the idea or felt shame for wanting it. Because isn't it wrong to wanna BE God- even if just on paper? Isn't it selfish to be free? Isn't there a right way to use words? A righteous way? Shouldn't it be my goal to be tempered and responsible and polite--cautious? Shouldn't my writing think about the people around me? 

As a young adult I remember reading Oprah's notorious book club pick, A Million Little Pieces. It was a bold, unflinching, and in your face read. I was suspicious and intrigued at the author's talent and audacity. When the scandal unfolded it was almost like an affirmation. I probably even let out a breath. It affirmed my burgeoning Spiderman philosophy in writing, "to whom much is given, much is required". The author's very public smack down and cancellation before the social masses ever really did that sort of thing was a mental back pat to me at the time that you didn't just write any 'ol kind of way and get away with it! 

Anyway, I got into the habit where I would write journals and lists and contracts and letters and all that everyday informal stuff- because I still needed to write but my voice was gone. I lacked depth and authenticity when I did write something more significant. I would try to write something personal and be bogged down with thoughts about what others might think or how they would be effected or how my words might come across. I would measure my words against the standards of others. Bare bones magical storytelling or raw emotion, the sometimes messily masterful shit that really splinters open something real? That was and is something entirely different and I no longer dared to do that. 

I went through a stage where I believed that if I could become clever enough maybe I could be a writer without the authenticity bit. I don't know if I consciously mapped a course for that but there was a time where no matter how many hundreds of books I've read, no matter the vast cumulative hours, days, years of literary consumption I had, I could never have the knowledge or insight that made me smart enough to spin a masterpiece others would want to consume. I discovered that it's hard for me to write well without including little splinters of myself. Ironically, no matter how many vocabulary words I know, it's the simple words that ring true and its the plain language that always would hit me the hardest. 

I haven't been brave enough to be my real self on the page for a good and long time. 

I'm so glad I've grown a bit. I'm so glad I tried Writing Down the Bones again. I'm so glad that I'm getting past discounting myself. I'm so glad that I'm learning and flexing my writing muscles as they grow. I suspect this blog will be about me learning. 

I'm proud to say that being a writer of a certain age I am still learning many things anew. I used to think people grew up to a certain number of years and then refused anything new or fresh in life. I had seen that model of living in action with seemingly irrefutable evidence to that ancient adage- "you can't teach an old dog new tricks". I'm so glad familiar or even societal habits don't have to be passed along and/or consumed. 

There are many things to talk about, many things here on my little blog. It's still the way I process life but I will likely talk most about me learning to write authentically and just plain...better. 

What are you all learning and talking about in this season of your life? If you are a writer, what personal limiting beliefs are you overcoming?