Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I’ve been thinking and apparently that’s dangerous.
Actually, I think about EVERYTHING- I’ve been accused of thinking too much a couple of times. Whatever, it’s me. It’s who I am.
I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself for the past few weeks eating wise. I wouldn’t say I’ve been going buck nutty but I haven’t been sticking to the plan. I realize that I’ve been doing this for so long that I may have lapses but I’ve had the I don’t care self destruct attitude for a bit now. My inner dialogue has definitely been like, “Man, I work out ALL THE TIME, I’m freaking tired of not being able to eat what I want. It’s not like I want to gorge myself but frick I’d like to have desert or some ice cream or even and apple or some random fruit that amazingly isn’t on the program here and there.”
I have to admit I’ve almost been a whiny little child on the inside, (doing the whole “this isn’t fair” thing) and I’ve been fighting myself….
I also realized that I keep planning and wanting to do this personal training thing- it’s a goal and a desire of mine but I’m not making it happen and it is in my realm of possibility to make it happen. I control that and I keep putting it off, making excuses, making start dates or deadlines instead of just doing it. My friend and some of my friends at the gym have done some bodybuilding competitions and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do; something I probably appreciate and have a passion for more than any of them but I keep sitting on the sidelines and living my life vicariously thru them—being the supportive friend when I really wish it were me accomplishing those things for myself.
I wonder if we are all really that smart (or dumb depending on how you look at it) as to were our subconscious has such a big effect on the motives for which we do or don’t do things. Am I afraid to reach my goals? Could I be avoiding having to hold myself to a higher standard or actually do all the things I promised myself I would do when I lost the weight? Honestly, I have always believed that everyone’s potential in the world is so great…we could all be the most amazing versions of ourselves living to the optimum ability to what God intended for us; I love it when people excel and do great things- am I secretly afraid to live up to my own potential? On the inside I feel like I could do anything but other things cloud that confidence. Could I be apprehensive to living up to the …”deals” I’ve made with my husband? Is the concern for what others might think about me if I fail or when I succeed peeping thru my subconscious?
I made the decision last summer to start losing the weight and I’ve done an alright job but I can do better. I’ve made some decisions about myself. I’m not going to be obsessive about this whole thing but I am going to finish this, I coulda been done already – the exercise is fun and it’s the “easy” part for me. FOOD, Lord have mercy, it’s an issue.