Thursday, April 12, 2007

Epiphynil almost

One of the gyms called me back.
I'm going on an interview today. 11:30
I'm realizing how much I really want to do this and how much I might really enjoy it. I feel like I'm on the verge of finding my niche or something. We'll see.
I keep having these very revealing thoughts to myself...epiphanal almost. (Probably not a word but think "epiphany") Since I made the word up I think I'll spell it epiphynil because the "anal" makes me feel weird and also the previous spelling reminds me of elephant....leave me alone I'm having a really weird goofy day.
Anyway, I feel more and more like..."I would love for this to be my life; I could pursue this, I could really be all that I can be at this, I could really help other people change so much just by changing one thing. I could help change a life in a personal way."
I mean dude, just losing the weight that I have has changed me radically- mainly on the inside actually...more on that later
Something else I've realized over the years is that the look I'm working to achieve is a look I've loved since I was a little girl...I've always thought muscles and strong bodies were cool/beautiful...I mean the Hulk, Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Sting, Conan...I was going to MARRY these men when I was little....I remember watching the bodybuilding men flexing on TV and thinking "Wow". When American Gladiator came out and there were actually strong AND pretty woman on the show I was really interested. She-Ra, Red Sonja, Xena, Wonder woman, all the girls in old kung-fu flicks that kicked butt, Tina Turner in MadMax, heroes. Anyway that was an important point for me for some reason. I guess it makes me feel like my goals are grounded in my authentic self or something and not on some other craziness just because someone else is doing it (trendiness or something). I guess realizing that helped me own it or something, iono. Anyway, the other thing that I actually wrote down in a journal one day was a statement that hit me like a ton of bricks: It's important to me to reach my goals because I want the outside to reflect what is going on inside of me. I want the outside to be a statement that is spoken without words; I'm just as strong and beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside. I know I have inner strength. I've always been confident that I will survive, life will go on, hard times will come, I'll make it through and be stronger. I don't know if I'm an optimist who's bouncing off the walls with positivity or anything but I am able to level headedly look at the glass as half full because of the inner strength God has given me. Inner strength and resilience. It is the one spiritual gift I know that I do have.

1 comment:

Anna said...

Oooh, good luck with your aspirations, girl! Sounds like you've really hit on something that is a true passion for you. Go for it, full steam ahead! Let us know how things work out. :-D