Monday, May 15, 2006

Mother's Day obviously makes me think of my own mother. I feel the loss so much more on that day, her birthday, and my own birthday; more than any other days of the year. I'm really thinking this is normal for anyone parentless or whose lost a parent. It's partly the magnification of what a big deal it is to have a mother. It feels awkward to be out here without one- and this is after 18 years of being without her. I'm sure this is an absense I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Surely, time has definately eased the pain but the time has caused for more questioning, pondering, wondering, and wishing. There has not been an important moment, happy moment, or a moment of weakness in my life where a flash of my mother or a memory, or a wish for her has not entered my heart. I remember turning 21 and thinking to myself,"K- I should be over this now- I'm a big girl" I thought surely once I saw her gravesight that would be my closure, instead I have even more concerns, questions, upsets-whatever.
Nevertheless, I can't help but wonder to myself on days like this what our relationship would have been like. How would she look? How close would we be? Who would I be? I'm always wondering how I even made it half way to normal if having a mother is this extremely crucial to being normal! :-) I wonder about how I will do if/when I have children of my own. Who will I call when I am totally clueless? How will I know what to do? How have I done things up to this point? Am I even doing a good job at that- because I am surely just winging it all! I know there is a certain amount of motherly instinct in us all supposedly but I can't help but wonder if I got enough. Did enough of the instinct seep in from the short time that I knew her!? (lol- I know this is all silly)
Have I learned enough from all the other women I've known to be good at this? Will I be detached from my experience with my own children or will I be a psycho over achiever at motherly stuff (which is not good either)? Balance is a word i use like everyday; will I be at a good balance when I finally do embark upon motherhood?
Well, anyway these are just a few of my thoughts. To all the mothers out there especially my sister- you guys are awesome. If anything you should gather from this post what an extremely important job and role you play in the life of your children. You are important and unreplacable. Remember that you can teach the biggest lessons in the tiniest ways. You provide more than hot meals and transportation:-) HAPPY MOTHERS DAY....

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your words are truth, you should keep speaking them. I know it is hard, but for your honesty, I love you....but that void will go away, but you have to let God take it away. Until then, it will always be there...but you're still doing alright for yourself ;-)