Thursday, February 22, 2007

Still amazed...God has really kept me

Just a day ago I found out a guy I used to be involved with is in jail for murder. Yup, it's true. After the shock wore off I had an epiphany because my first reaction was to thank God for my Matty. I kinda realized it before but this confirmed it for me that God has really saved me from myself so many times. Here's a look at the last few guys I invited into and tried to hang onto in my life

1. ST- murdered before 20 yrs old; involvement in less than stellar activities and people
2. JA- ex drug addict & alcoholic (to date); 2 kids before 21
3. DT- jail drug dealer and probably a pedophile since he was dating me
4. SP- drug addict; dead of anurism (sp) before 21 yr old

No I'm not the black widow or anything..
Even my first real kiss, JM ended up being a crackhead, literally. Anyway, I think there are a zillion reasons why I chose these type of guys. I do know that there is a part of me that believes in the very best in people even if they or no one else really see's it. I feel connected in the soul to the good qualities or intentions of a person quite frequently. I am also the type of person who has a tough time even computing the evilness that some people/things really possess even though I've been the very witness to it. I'm the person who is constantly shocked and ever soul struck by the evening news (which is probably why I don't watch that often).
Anyway, all that aside I know that underneath my past choices have stemmed from 1) my self assessed self worth/value 2)family history.
My mother died of cancer before I turned 7 years old but not before she passed on her horrible legacy of choosing the wrong men which I'm sure was passed on to her by the women in her life....
Anyway, by the time I met God in high school I had already told him, myself and my grandparents that I wasn't getting married. That I would rather just live with whoever and kick them to the curb as necessary...because apparently it would inevitably be necessary.Didn't quite work that way, I ended up going thru some hard times and really clinging to God and in turn my life and who I was totally changed. I learned who I was by God's standards and started to believe in good things for myself and in my life. It wasn't something I accepted overnight. I still wrestle God to this very day but ultimately he won my heart and showed me just what he could do with it. He sent me Matty in my youth and we grew into adults together stumbling thru and mastering what it really meant to love one another...purely might I add. It never ceased and has not ceased to amaze up how incredibly blessed we are to have each other. For all you skeptics out there I'm just going to say it because it's true that they do exist...Mateo is my soulmate. And just to freak the rest of you all out some more let me say God one more time. God God God... he made me a new creation and has richly and deeply blessed my life ever since.


eve knits said...

I'm glad everything is working out for you. Sometimes, you just have to thank God for all of the wonderful blessings!

Jeremiah said...

Hallelujah holla back. I see you're double-posting to MySpace too.

Anna said...

Ooooh, I admit to being one of those skeptics, but girl, you've been through the ringer!!! That is truly a list of what's happening so often in our communities of color. I'm glad you've been able to find your piece of happiness. God is a glorious thing!!!

Black Purl said...

I am so extremely thankful that our God has kept you. What a journey it has been and to Him be all the glory. How great is it that we've been able to "break" that legacy of....well, you know. I'm glad that you have Matt and I'll be the first to say it....I KNEW IT.......:) Love ya
PS- I am still shocked about Kevin.... although I am sure there are more of those guys from "back in the day" who've made some bad choices......